Grief is
something that isn’t talked about much. It’s that quiet emotion – the one
that’s tucked away behind closed doors – private, personal, introverted.
The raw
grief that I experienced about Snowy lasted for several weeks. Sometimes I woke
up in the middle of the night crying and then went back to sleep again. The
silence and the emptiness in my apartment was overwhelming. I’m not ashamed to
admit that I went to grief counselling to talk about Snowy. I needed a safe
space where I could talk about him for a full hour without feeling like I was
burdening people.
After only 3
sessions, the counsellor announced “I think you’re okay now” and it felt like a
rubber stamp of approval on my mental health. I had been able to talk about
what Snowy meant to me; what role he played in my life and about the traumatic
way in which I discovered his dead body. I also began to talk about the meaning
I could draw from the sadness. Clearly I was grieving so much because of how
much I loved him. It seemed a shame that all this surplus love would just go
into an empty vacuum – unused and evaporating.
I began to
think about all the times I worried about Snowy – how that if anything happened
to me – who would look after him? And then I thought of all those rescue cats –
who were living in shelters waiting on homes. Perhaps their owner had passed
away and now they were left alone in a cage, hoping on someone to adopt them.
They no longer had the adorable charm of cute kitten status and might bypass
the many families getting a new cat.
I wondered
if I could give a home to one of these abandoned cats and therefore all the
love for Snowy wouldn’t be wasted. All that love I had channelled towards him
could now be channelled towards a cat in need. Suddenly the empty void of grief
was being replaced by something else – a purpose or meaning in all this
suffering. The grief for Snowy was still there – missing him, thinking about
him – but it didn’t feel so raw. Now there was a plan.
I made a
phone-call to Cats Protection. I enquired about adopting a cat. I was told
about the procedure. A letter was needed from my landlady authorising a cat in
the property. Forms would have to be filled out. Once the forms were verified,
I could then pick a cat. There would then be a 24 hour resting period and I
would return the following day to collect the cat.
The wheels
were in motion. My landlady came round and signed the letter. After she left, I
did a little happy dance around my living-room. It was the first time I’d felt
genuinely happy and excited in weeks.
Then the
first visit to Cats Protection. I admit, I went in with too-high expectations.
I was full of excitement. I imagined all the cute cats and how wonderful it
would be. I hadn’t eaten properly and we had trouble finding the place so I was
probably more flustered and not as calm as normal.
A
receptionist took my details and then another member of staff led me down to
the cats. I hadn’t expected how overwhelming it would feel. All the little cats
in cages, all awaiting homes. Some cats tried to put their paws out through the
gaps to get your attention. Others rubbed up against the window as though
wanting to be petted. How on earth could I pick just one cat when they all
needed a home?
The guy who
was showing us around led us to 2 cats – Darcy and May. He informed me that
they had been in the shelter the longest and really needed a forever home. I
started to feel even more overwhelmed. I hadn’t planned on taking 2 cats.
“I’m not
sure which cat I want”, I told him.
“That’s
okay,” he said. “We could fill out the forms anyway to get the ball rolling?”
So we did
that. He took me through a series of questions and then went to the office to
check if my form was approved. Meanwhile I was allowed to have another look at
the cats. There was a ginger cat who was rubbing up next to me and giving me
sweet head-bumps but he was one of two and I hadn’t really envisioned getting 2
cats.
The guy
returned and told me that my form was approved. This was good news but my head
was spinning. I was hungry, overwhelmed and indecisive. I asked him if I could
think about it and return another day. He said of course.
I went for
food and talked it over with my friend. Then I chatted to my sister about it on
Voxer. And then to another sister. I decided to sleep on it and return another
day.
A week
later, I returned to Cats Protection. This time, I was prepared. I went in with
an open mind, low expectations and a full tummy. This was a lot easier. Instead of seeing lots
of vulnerable cats in cages, I noticed that in fact, quite a few cats had a
“reserved” sign on their window. This meant that someone had chosen them and
would return tomorrow to collect them. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? Also I
noticed how clean the place was and how contented the cats looked. Many were
curled up sleeping. I was also really pleased to see that Darcy and May – the
two longest residents - had been reserved.
The ginger
cat was all over me again. Rubbing up next to me and giving me gentle
head-bumps. That was it. He had chosen me. He was one of two. Curled up in the
corner was his buddy; a black cat with a glossy coat. I petted him gently and
he curled around appreciatively, encouraging me to rub under his chin.
“That’s
them,” I said. “They’re the ones”.
The Cats
Protection guy smiled happily and off we went, saying that we’d return first
thing in the morning to collect them. I had to rush and buy a second carrier as
I only had one.
My
excitement was sky-high and I was grinning from ear to ear. I also decided on
names: “Toots” and “Soots”. “Toots” because that’s what I always used to call
Snowy. And “Soots” because he was black like chimney soot.
That night
felt like Christmas Eve – the excitement of knowing that the next morning I’d
be collecting my new gifts.
The
following morning I loaded my 2 carriers into the car with building excitement.
I thought of the number of times this had happened – the day Snowy arrived in
his cage carried by Paula. The day Ann carried Snowy’s body in her arms to her
car. And now, the day 2 new cats would be carried in.
At Cats
Protection, the staff looked jubilant. I think they were as happy to see 2 cats
getting a forever home as I was to get 2 new family members.
A nice girl
sat and took me through some paperwork. I was impressed by all the detail.
Every date that each cat had been neutered, vaccinated, wormed and flea
treated. Microchip details, insurance details, the whole heap. This was the
first I learned that the black cat only had 3 legs but it made no difference to
me. The wee critter needed a home and I would provide it.
One of the
Cats Protection staff took the carriers and said she’d return with the cats.
They were both meowing loudly when they returned. Obviously both were scared
and wondering what was going on. I tried to talk softly and gently to them.
When I put them in the back seat of the car, I placed their carriers in such a way
that they were both facing each other. This seemed to calm them down and they
settled on the journey home.
Safely
inside the house, I opened the carriers and let them step out and find their
own way around. They found the beds in the walk-in wardrobe. Snowy had used
these when he didn’t like the sound of the bin men. And now Toots and Soots had
discovered them too.
By the
evening, after having time to relax and having been given tempting Dreamies and
some cat food, they branched out into the living room and lay on the chair next
to me. Having each other for company obviously seemed like a big advantage.
They curled around each other which seemed to comfort and calm them.
For the
first few days, we were tip-toeing around each other. I was trying to give them
space and not to make any sudden or loud movements which would scare them.
They, meanwhile, were hiding in the wardrobe most of the time until they
started to trust that I wasn’t going to hurt them. In fact, they started to
realise that I was the lady who would feed them and clean up their poop! After
a while, they began to lie on the bed, or on the cushion on top of the chest of
drawers. I felt so calm and contented having them around. Cats create a vibe in
the home that is just so relaxing. I don’t know if it’s their ability to fall
asleep at any time, or their soft purring sounds, or the way they look so cute
when they’re curled up in a ball, but they’re a joy.
I kept
thinking about Snowy though. I noticed little differences between each cat and
I realised that the 3 year bond with Snowy will never be replaced. But slowly,
we are getting used to each and that bond will grow too. When I see Soots hop
along on his little 3 legs, my heart melts a little. And Toots follows me
around with an inquisitive little face that is full of so much character. I
love them, my two little rescue fur babies. xx
